You guys liked my last post (2nd top this month) so I'm back with a better one.
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Do you ever feel like you're not good enough?
Something negative happens and you can't stop replaying it over and over as if someone had made a highlight reel of it.
Your confidence takes a hit and your self esteem becomes nonexistant.
You're not alone.
Ever since there were humans people has felt this way. It's an old problem, and an old solution. It just so happens that that old solution has been backed by thousands of scientific studies.
If you modernise and science-ise ancient Buddhism you get mindfulness.
If you modernise and science-ise Stoicism you get Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT).
Mindfulness is the dainty person that politely asks you to step back, examine your thoughts, and let the irrational negative ones float away.
CBT is the aggressive person that demands your problematic thoughts meet them in the alley outside the bar to settle the problem once and for all. CBT is scientifically designed to pinpoint your negative, irrational thoughts and replace them with rational, realistic and positive thoughts.
For me, and maybe for you, CBT can get quicker and more effective results. But you'll still have to do some work.
CBT = "The Scientific Philosophy of Stoicism"
Stoicism is an incredible branch of philosophy with many profound ideas. It covers the meaning of life down to practical, down to earth theories about how you should treat your every day struggles.
One of the main ideas is this:
“It isn’t events themselves that disturb people, but only their judgments about them.” – Epictetus
he moron that called you a moron didn't make you angry.
The bus being late didn't annoy you.
Your phone braking didn't make you sad.
Your thoughts, judgements and beliefs are what created your feelings.
It is this concept that forms CBT.
"CBT (Beck, 2011) is based on the principle that thoughts influence feelings, feelings influence actions, and actions influence our results, or life circumstances. In other words, situations don’t make us feel certain ways. People don’t make us feel certain ways. It’s how we interpret (or think about) situations or things people say or do that influences how we feel." - Author Jeff Riggenbach
I'm sure there is a subset of people reading this and thinking "this is not true - it is just a concept after all".
To speak bluntly: you're wrong.
Imagine you are asleep in bed and you hear a crashing sound downstairs. How you think about the crashing sound will affect how you feel:
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If you think there is an intruder you will be scared.
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If you think your son has come home drunk again you will be angry.
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If you think your daughter has returned from travelling you will be happy.
The same event is happening but you are responding differently based on your thoughts.
The Stoic philosophers realised that we need to question irrational and unhelpful beliefs so that we can see the world more clearly and more healthily.
“Today I escaped from the crush of circumstances, or better put, I threw them out, for the crush wasn’t from outside me but in my own assumptions.” – Marcus Aurelius
But how do we start replacing negative, irrational thoughts with useful, rational thoughts?
1. Identify and Challenge Distorted Thoughts
What is the voice inside your head saying when you're feeling unconfident? By recognising this we can get to the root belief that is causing you to feel this way. Ask yourself this question:
I felt unconfident because I thought...
Most people have a thought that they will identify with instantly. It may be "I'm an idiot" or "I'm a complete failure" or "I'm not good enough".
After identifying the thought you need to challenge your thought.
“First off, don’t let the force of the impression carry you away. Say to it, ‘Hold up a bit and let me see who you are and where you are from – let me put you to the test…’” – Epictetus
CBT says that for every "irrational" thought you have, come up with a "rational" thought.
Irrational: Because I failed this exam, I will never reach my goals and I'm a complete failure"
Rational: Even though I failed this exam I can always resit next year after doing more preparation. Everyone makes mistakes and this mistake was a learning point for me.
Never let your thoughts be irrational. Correct them and with time the rational thoughts will be natural. Your brain will have no choice to believe them - after all they are the truth.
Right, so we've now learned how to deal with the occasional negative but what more of your thoughts are negative than positive? What if you are often lacking confidence? Well we gotta dig deeper.
2. Test your "Core Beliefs"
Sometimes the problem isn't the occasional negative thought, it may be that your "core beliefs" are negative.
Underneath all of your thoughts, emotions and behaviours may be the hidden beliefs like "I'm not good enough for anything", "I'm unlovable", "I'm a bad person", "I'm a loser".
Trying to unroot these beliefs can be done and surprisingly it doesn't take as long as you may think.
More often than not these beliefs have a strong lawyer who is proving your with evidence on the daily to support the negative beliefs.
It probably wouldn't be difficult for you to make a list supporting the negative beliefs - after all this lawyer has been allowed to make his case for weeks, months and even years in a lot of cases.
Here is where CBT comes in: from now on you will consciously create yourself a defence lawyer.
“This is the true athlete – the person in rigorous training against false impressions. Remain firm, you who suffer, don’t be kidnapped by your impressions! The struggle is great, the task divine – to gain mastery, freedom, happiness, and tranquility.” – Epictetus
Now sit down and write a list of all the reasons that go against the negative lawyer.
"Because of how our filters (beliefs) are set up, we often notice instances that support the unhealthy beliefs more than we notice those that may support our opposite, healthy beliefs; however, that “evidence” almost always exists as well. One valuable tool involves forcing ourselves to look back over those very same periods of life purposefully looking to see the evidence that supports our healthy beliefs." - The CBT Toolbox: A Workbook for Clients and Clinicians:
Even after you've written the list the original negative lawyer will still be winning but that is because he has had ages to form and make his case.
After time, if you keep providing your defence lawyer proof that negate the irrational and negative thoughts, you will start seeing yourself in a more realistic, healthier way.
What is the easiest way to do this?
3. Have An “Evening Confidence Ritual”
“I will keep constant watch over myself and – most usefully – will put each day up for review… Let us balance life’s books each day…” – Seneca
The Stoics knew that this was not an overnight process.
After you've written the list of reasons you are not a loser for your defence lawyer the case is not over. It is an ongoing case that will never end. But it will get easier.
Every day, take a few minutes to think about what you did well that day. Provide your defence lawyer with as much evidence that you can.
"Another important tool for developing more healthy beliefs and thus becoming less reactive, is an ongoing evidence log. Whereas previous tools required you to review your life and look for “evidence” from the past, ongoing evidence logs ask you to be mindful of evidence in your everyday life." - The CBT Toolbox: A Workbook for Clients and Clinicians
With some time you will start to recognise the positive in yourself. You will start to associate this positive with you who you are. Your core beliefs will be solid, strong and realistic.
“Your mind will take the shape of what you frequently hold in thought, for the human spirit is colored by such impressions.” – Marcus Aurelius
Great! So far you've identified and challenged, you've dug deep and now you're even following it up with an evening confidence ritual. What's the final step towards having a rock solid Stoic self-esteem?
4. Use A “Cognitive Cue Card”
ABC: Always Be Challenging. Be self aware of the negative thoughts in your mind and don't accept the first thing that comes into your mind.
“When you are distressed by an external thing, it’s not the thing itself that troubles you, but only your judgment of it. And you can wipe this out at a moment’s notice.” – Marcus Aurelius
Constantly monitoring your thoughts can sometimes be quite tiring. That's why my whole YouTube channel is about minimising effort and maximising results.
So when you're too tired to self-argue, use a "cognitive cue card" to make sure your thoughts are rational and not negative.
One tool that can assist us in doing better “in the heat of the moment” is flashcards… Cognitive cue cards are designed to help us think differently in those situations. So the idea here is, in your calm moments, write down on a 3×5 note card what you believe you need to hear during the less-calm moments.
The messages on your cue card should look like this:
"Just because __________ doesn't mean _______".
"Just because I failed doesn't mean I'm a failure"
"Just because I said something weird doesn't mean I'm a loser. Everyone makes mistakes and I'm making less mistakes ever since I read that Reddit article by Andrew Kirby" ;)
Keep that card on you and be forgiving with yourself. It may take time but with time I promise you that you will internalise the positive thoughts. Why? Because it's the truth.
“Well-being is realized by small steps, but is truly no small thing.” – Zeno
Action Step
Did you just read this article and not do any of the things I said?
..
I knew it.
Go get a pen and paper and write down a list of positive evidence.
Then write a Cognitive Cue card like I said.
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