I'm 20 i am at crossroads in my life. Everyone keeps asking me what I want to do. And I can not stress how perplexing answering this question is to my family. I really want you to try and put yourself in my shoes to understand.
But its perplexing to answer. because I don't want to feel delusional saying I want to be a billionaire. I said once I want to create a video a game. but I want to create the best video game. i say various things across these lines. Like I have so many ideas. and said things before where they are like why not become mayor or president. but thats out of there minds now. mine to idk what said to where it came to that.
They are like why can't you settle for less in life. why can't you do what everyone else does. go to college. get a good job. have a family. Be happy. Doing something, worrying about anything that not your problem should be no concern of you. your family is all that matter. and having one and being able to provide for them is etc. they don't actually say that but you get the point.
and I tried putting myself in their shoes. they want me to have something to fall back on. but ehhh I tried just going to get a job and then they ask what are you going to do after that. you need to have a plan in life. it just like what the f do you mean.
no one really saids what they mean. when they said that they mean to say you shouldn't just get a job and work. you should go to college it be good experience for you.
im not aganist going to college. just i just want to become me. not find myself well maybe so. but i wear whatever. i don't shop. its very difficult to explain. i don't want you to opt into to the cliche saying ehh just its not black and white.
none of the past matters now. I just want to know how do you deal with people who has the power to influence your life. I am very much a good kid meaning some things i literally can't mentally fathom doing well i can't but to me doing something bad is like killing a man. Im saying this based on research article I read.
but really grew wiser over all this stress I understand they just are trying to support me. but no one will back me on what i say on my will. only on there will's that they impose on me. so I would like to have to go about there agenda to get out of this stagnation and frustration.
but they are human and they don't want to feel bad forcing me to do things. which is annoying. I said yes I do it. then they are like you don't want to do this. then i be like ehh. and this just goes round and round. I tried to conveying to them countless of times. they don't see eye to eye. and they will never comepletly understand everything i do. why do i have to tell them everything i do.
my brothers and sisters don't but they lie and hang up on them etc. and i do not do that. I do my best to respect them. but i failed as human being i geuss. all the stuff i thought i was doing to show was responsible. just backfired to being "he would never survive the streets"
unlike my little brother who got in trouble for selling weed stealing purses and selling them on ebay. trust that he if he would get lost he would know what to do. they don't ehh.
well also another thing largely a man a son etc you kno how women can be. not being sexist but im talking about them thinking they know whats best for a man to do.
well anyways i may be like a beta male not alpha but i feel i could go omega if i wanted to. just i don't feel its my place to. I don't like change but im going insane with the days being the same.
so why don't I. I tried saying i want to do this but then they... it just i know what will happen. if i say i want to start a business. infact I told thm that today. again, worded saying I ultimately want to do business.
then they say well mom said what you want to do in business. i just said want software company. but we just ended up booking a tour to Devery college,
Now my mom does not tell me well I heard her say to my brother. when my mom ask my brother to ask me what I want to do I end up saying i just do online school. then my mom was on the phone. with my brother.
and basically she was like i am not going to do online school he needs to go to college because he is sheltered.
I don't understand where this shelterd notion came from. but i believe im sheltered myself from not doing what i wanted. well i did try. but i don't fight for what i want. my little brother does.
nothing matters to me. i know its not true. but nothing matters in the end. I don't want you to agree to this notion. but if you do agree i since change perspective to " its difficult to say nothing matters, when there are words like love kindness truth hurt etc"
so what you do does matter, but again nothing matters to me. my experience has shape me. I feel things that only i can do based on my unique experience are things i should do. so basically i should live life. and living life you must be doing.
but anyways people have preconcevie bias and untruths i don't want to put on act play there game pretend---- im much of a outcast im not going to force myself to fit in when i don't. i use to try to fit in. i just recently completly stop trying. i probaby shouldnt stop completly .
i'm not being truly forth coming and honest here. but all my life was a waste not exactly i cherished every moment i am grateful for everyone i met/saw in my life. just its diiffcult for me to lead a ordinary life. i can never get myself to be carefree and loving or whatever. I can't get myself to enjoy life, partly cause everyone keep asking me what i want to do. and just not letting it be and let me live in the present.
i never really live in the present i realize i should and i tried not i can't cause everyone asking what i want to do. so since i can't live a ordinary life i need to live a extradorinary life. or just not exist anymore. not suicidal i promise myself i would never kill myself. i think its the best way to prevent suicide to promise yourself not to kill you.
but i feel like many people like me has killed themselves because they feel suffocated. that they can't live because they couldnt breather or were binded by chains and didnt have the power to break them. i'm also very nonchalant about things. many things just don't phase me.
i understand checking yourself before you reck yourself. so i wouldn't say im a psychopath. i don't like feeling guilty or even sounding evil. i think i even talk in higher register cause of it but i also do so to not sound meh or like i don't care etc. but sometimes i just do so,
but idk my voice is whatever now.
TLDR: HOW TO BE A BOSS ASS BITCH JK....but how do you get your Excalibur jk....how do you obtain all the power to make things go your way and lead your life all by your will? do i really must "play the game"
i kinda don't like manipulating like i said i don't like feeling guilty. i like to be honest and want to be honest. or maybe i just can't bring myself to lie and i don't want to fight. i my be naive or shelterd cause i think this way. but how do you get or have the power obtain it. do you argue do have a "talk" do you write a letter.
ehh another reason its so exhauast to deal with everything. i just want to get my own place and not worry anymore about thing. i constantly overthink and my mind will be more at peace if i didn't have to worry about hassles. i know ehhh gosh
just tell me how you came to be where you are today. like tell me everything. did you get in a big argument with someone before getting indpendence. did you overcome a mental block. what did you do and what was very diffcult for you to handle or find a solution too. can be anything no matter how stupid.
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